PayPal
BitCoin
Facebook
Twitter
Amazon
RSS
iTunes

DoseNation Podcast

Weekly news, talk, and interviews. More »

SUGGEST A STORY  |   CREATE AN ACCOUNT  |  
DoseNation.com

Lurid anti-marijuana propaganda offers its own cheap thrills

You know, folks, there's a reason why Prop 19 didn't pass in California: it's because "Pot Smoking Radicals Are Using the Internet to Turn America Into a Socialist Sex Utopia," as reported by Christwire:

Yet young people will do anything for this grungy skanky weed. They will lie and cheat. They will steal car stereos or trade their delicate, yearning bodies to bearded ex-cons. They will flirt with biker gangs or cruise skid row. And once they grab hold of a bag of this deadly drug, they become paranoid and greedy, often turning to violence to knock off their fellow addicts so they will have more for themselves. To do their smoking, teens and 20-somethings seek out the very places that a serial killer would likely prowl-- empty parking lots and abandoned buildings. Just imagine your kids falling asleep, knocked out on drugs, as unknown pedophiles watch from nearby bushes... Or else they lock themselves behind dead bolts in rundown railroad flats, heavy blankets covering the windows and the phone permanently off the hook to avoid calls from Mom.

Toking, sucking, chuffing.... These are all words to describe a pot lover gulping down that acrid yellow smoke deep into his lungs. The sensation that comes almost immediately is one of pain and trauma but the addict likes the punishment, he lives for the punishment! He will hallucinate shadowed monsters on the walls, the sound of rabid dogs scratching at his door. Maybe his hand will fall off or the television will speak to him like Satan in this putrid delusion. The mind is thus released from any moral boundaries and sex naturally ensues. Paganistic, hedonistic orgies of lust perversion where no hole is left unviolated. The thrill of sadomasochistic carnal insanity is the great addiction of the toker. Penetrating each other for days, slobbering like wolves gorging on a carcass, the stain of their fluids on every wall will grow tacky before the hippie party ends. They will return to this again and again until they no longer know what sex is, what decency is, what America is. Or else they release themselves through constant, violent masturbation. Yes, self-gratification is a chronic disease of the weed wanton. Trapped in a world where only the hand and the genitalia exist, neither hurricanes nor death can unlock the grasp of the marijuana masturbator before it's time.

Thank you, Christwire, for keeping it real. [Thanks, Bamyasi!]

Posted By Scotto at 2010-11-06 12:33:43 permalink | comments
Tags: marijuana
Facebook it! Twitter it! Digg it! Reddit! StumbleUpon It! Google Bookmark del.icio.us technorati Furl Yahoo! Bookmark
» More ways to bookmark this page


Scotto : 2010-11-15 23:55:55
look, i'm from a conservative christian background myself, and the article didn't even slightly trip my "this is fake" radar. that's all on me - i'm the idiot, sure. still, this is fantastic, elite parody. and when "noway yahweh" clarified it was parody in the comments... rock the fuck on. i'm not pulling the post down just because i was a clueless rube. obviously we don't go out of our way to post parody as fact and i won't ever again mistake christwire for legitimate conservative commentary.

but still. freaking hilarious. so it stays, as is.

Ben. : 2010-11-15 11:17:10
The kind of ignorance that swallows generations, that's what kind.
Anonymous. : 2010-11-15 07:26:06
"what's next, reporting onion articles as fact?"

This may sound a bit sarcastic, but I mean it in all seriousness: The Onion is one of few news sources I read. Sure, they make all the crap up (1), but I think the insights behind the satire are spot-on in comparison to normal "news sources."

In this regard, The Onion is probably amongst the most accurate sources for news (2).

(1) Which is not to say that other papers don't do the same.
(2) Where else, for example, would you see the headline "Drugs Win Drug War?"

loon. : 2010-11-14 13:11:00
what's next, reporting onion articles as fact?
legalize cannabis. : 2010-11-13 08:15:34
cmon, what kind of crap is this??!?
hippie_with_a_haircut. : 2010-11-08 08:37:03
This is brilliant.
Jon. : 2010-11-06 17:32:00
Damn, I must be smoking ditchweed or something. Gimme some of that Christwire top shelf hellweed!
thistle. : 2010-11-06 16:36:45
bearded ex-cons are the worst kind of ex-cons.
Scotto : 2010-11-06 13:19:41
awesome parody. i'm sort of sad it's not real though.
Noway Yahweh. : 2010-11-06 13:14:48
Christwire is a parody, dudes.
jamesk : 2010-11-06 12:41:41
What kind of paranoid b-movie psychosis is this?

The comments posted here do not reflect the views of the owners of this site.

HOME
COMMENTS
NEWS
ARCHIVE
EDITORS
REVIEW POLICY
SUGGEST A STORY
CREATE AN ACCOUNT
RSS | TWITTER | FACEBOOK
DIGG | REDDIT | SHARE