Chimp in cocaine study starts lying to friends

Concerned workers at the National Primate Research Center said Bobo, a 5-year-old chimpanzee participating in a 16-month cocaine study, was observed this week lying to the faces of friends, family, and staff.
"Our goal was to determine how large doses of the stimulant would improve or impair the chimpanzee's ability to perform memory and language tasks," said primatologist Daniel Martin, the project's lead researcher. "What we found was that cocaine not only disrupted Bobo's concentration and recall, but it also caused him to lie, cheat, and emotionally manipulate those around him."
Continued Martin, "Essentially, Bobo has become an asshole."

[Thanks Jim!]

» more at: www.theonion.com

Posted By jamesk at 2010-04-05 13:58:33 permalink | comments

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brickbat. : 2010-04-12 23:22:57

long live the onion! keeping people crippled with laughter and sometimes completely baffled for years now. I want new Anchower Reports dammit...

Banana. : 2010-04-12 23:10:39

u r all retarded

GK-OR : 2010-04-08 21:21:27

@omgoleus: I changed my mind omgoleus; don't have a good day. Your post was unnecessarily rude "or whatever."

GK-OR : 2010-04-08 20:16:59

@JamesK: Actually, when I reached the bottom of the article snippet shown in the post I was really disappointed to discover its source. But when you've seen and can remember some of the bogus vernacular turns of phrase I've seen in local newspapers and ubiquitously on the internet, the language of an article isn't necessarily a foolproof indicator of the veracity of the claims repeated. No hard feelings, man. ;-)

GK-OR : 2010-04-08 19:59:56

Haha, not at all. This particular article hadn't fooled me, nor was I suggesting parody was incompatible with the internet. I just resented the implication that not recognizing satire was a universal trait of unintelligent people. Good day.

omgoleus : 2010-04-08 09:38:10

Obviously "someone" ought to clean up the internet to make it safe for people who can't recognize satire!!!!! Otherwise how will we ever be able to unquestioningly believe everything we read out there????????????!

Seriously, though, if you don't already know that you shouldn't believe everything you read on the Internet (especially on fringe-y drug culture pseudo-news/entertainment blogs) then you really ought to work on that. Doesn't matter if you're "autistic" or whatever.

jamesk : 2010-04-07 14:35:30

@GK-OR This is admittedly a very well written parody that is hard to spot unless you read to the very end of the snippet. The term "asshole" is never used in mainstream or scientific press, even in quotes. And it is from THE ONION. I mean, c'mon, if you were fooled don't be angry at me, be angry at the Onion, and Jim, who sent me the link, though it did not fool me, I just thought it would give readers a laugh.

Gwyllm. : 2010-04-07 13:31:07

Satire it may be, but Bobo greatly resembles that ex-roomate of mine who went down this poison path...80)

GK-OR : 2010-04-07 05:47:28

@jamesk Does your claim still apply per se when your subject is autistic? In this case, the link is a dead giveaway. However, had I not noticed it I may have been so enthused at the prospect of plausibility that I'd reel into an exuberant ten minute rant about how I'm simultaneously surprised yet not, mentally pouring over every similar or remotely relevant study I've read to try and wager the probability of statistical significance and validity. I might not catch on until I calm down for a moment or two, but my point is that I find your claim specious and possibly insulting, depending upon whether you had considered my quandary before generalizing.

jamesk : 2010-04-06 22:14:02

The ability to spot satire is a basic human intelligence test. Also, the fact that the link at the bottom of the post very plainly reads "theonion.com" is sort of a giveaway. It is on this blog because it is funny.

Boo.. : 2010-04-06 20:20:58

Boo. People go to the onion for fake shit.

fool. : 2010-04-06 02:44:45

i did not realize this was the onion, but maybe that's more telling of my opinion on the current state of drug research (or scientific research in general) than of my foolishness.

we work really hard in this culture to objectively prove the painfully obvious.

killahcam. : 2010-04-05 20:00:50

yeah this is ridiculous hah, i can't believe fake new made it onto this blog. Hasn't everyone heard of theonion.com before?

JakeisxAurelius. : 2010-04-05 18:17:56

Just about to say the same thing

dnafrequency : 2010-04-05 17:42:51

I hope people realize this is from a satire newspaper.

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