'Not much between despair and ecstasy'

The scenario: someone tries smuggling "more than two pounds of hashish and more than half an ounce of marijuana" inside a big ol' wooden chessboard into the United States. But alert Philadelphia port & border authorities "noticed a chessboard weighing heavier than usual," although to be fair, "a Border Control narcotics K-9 also helped find the illegal package." We're talking THIRTY FREAKING THOUSAND DOLLARS worth of contraband, people, shipped from FREAKING TANZANIA - all this effort across continents with so much at stake, SOLELY so that we can experience the majesty of this rejoinder:

"Combating narcotics smugglers is akin to a high-stakes chess match, and protecting our nation's citizens is the prize," said Allan Martocci, CBP Port Director for the Area Port of Philadelphia.

OH MY FREAKING GOD THAT IS GOOD!

In other news:

A U.S. warship has seized about four tons of hashish being transported aboard a boat off the Horn of Africa.... The Navy says the seizure occurred October 15, while the Anzio was leading a multinational anti-pirate task force in the region. It says the drugs have a street value of $28 million, and could have helped fund insurgents in Afghanistan.

If I may be so bold as to make a suggestion to the "CBP Port Director for the Area Port of Philadelphia," I might suggest that you SUCK ON AWESOME UNITED STATES NAVY HAWTNESS when it comes to protecting our nation's citizens, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

Sincerely,
Scotto