The continuing adventures of caffeine

If you're not getting enough caffeine delivered to your nervous system via your daily grande quad espresso bombs or your twelve-pack of Cocaine energy drink, there's hope for you yet: someone's decided to start manufacturing caffeine-soaked potato chips.

NRG Phoenix Fury Potato Chips taste like extra-spicy barbecue chips, but they come with a caution label: not recommended for preg­nant or nursing women, young children or anyone who is sensitive to caffeine.

The largest bag of Phoenix Fury chips weighs 3 1/2 ounces, and the chip maker says downing the whole thing would be the caffeine equivalent of drinking 3 1/2 big cups of brewed coffee.

Goodness. Of course, if even this method of administration seems inadequate, you might be tempted to go for broke and start snorting caffeine pills. But if one recent Erowid experience report is to be believed, you might be in for more than you bargained for. After performing a basic extraction on a pile of No-Doz caffeine pills, a college student insufflates a bunch of caffeine before a test, only to discover the rewards are not all he/she imagined:

I came to the class, set up, and began the exam. I started out strongly, and got through the first half of the test in about twenty minutes. Soon, however, I faltered. I proceeded recklessly, not checking my answers. About half way through the hour-and-a-half long test, the positive effects of the caffeine seemed to be wearing off. I was getting lost, unable to think clearly, and too shaky to draw a proper diagram let alone think about what was going on in the question. I asked to go to the bathroom, where, parched and flustered, I sucked water from the grimy tap and poured it on my face. I tried to calm myself, to focus myself. I tried, but to no avail. I was tense; muddled.

On the topic which I was instructing the others in just a day before, I got the second-lowest score in the class. The errors that set me back were the stupidest errors that I have ever made. I got vertical and horizontal mixed up in my mind. I used 2.4 for the value of half of 5.4. I couldn't count squares, for christ's sake! It was so foolish of me to use this drug for the first time before an exam. If I had just had faith in my natural ability to know what to do, if I had been calm and centered and able to stand back, examine, and visualise the probem, I may have gotten a near perfect score - there was nothing that I didn't understand. I tried to comfort myself, telling myself that it was just an exam, but I felt seriously down about it for the next couple of days.

Yipe! Now if you find yourself in a downward spiral of increased dependence on caffeine with no hope in sight, there's hope even for you, in the form of your own support group:

The Caffeine Awareness Alliance, a non-profit organization, has created a new online forum that addresses the concerns and issues regarding caffeine addiction.

The forum will feature a special chat room called "Caffeine Anonymous" where people can share their experience, hope, courage, and strength with each other to solve their common problem and help others to recover from caffeinism. The only requirement for participation is a desire to stop consuming caffeine.

It may look like a joke, but rest assured, the woman who founded the forum is the author of a book called The Truth About Caffeine, so clearly you'll be in good hands.