A personal note

A long, long, long time ago (in a galaxy far far away?) I used to have an ongoing messianic N20 delusion thing. The very first time I ever did a N20 hit (which was the first time I had ever experienced any chemically altered mental state of any kind, never having been interested in alcohol when I was younger) I went way out, and when I came back, I found myself screaming "No! No! No!" and everyone was gathered around with a sort of ineffectual whatthefuckness about them. After I had time to reflect on the experience I was enthralled with the idea of figuring out what was out there that meant so much to me, as I did not feel like I had entirely brought back the meaning I had touched on that touched me so. And this drove further experimentation for quite a while.

There were a number of versions of revelation active at various stages in time, but one was that I had been destined for some kind of saving the world, but I had failed some kind of test. I found myself questing after another chance, or
something; eventually things became rather muddled and self-resurgent- involuted-compulsive. There are plenty of stories that came out of that!

Now, with the benefit of real wisdom from others, I realize that my messianic delusion, and probably everyone else's too, is simply a distorted glimpse, filtered through the haze of our original-sin, judgment-day cultural baggage, of my own sacredness. I am powerful, beautiful, precious; my me is worth being, worth taking care of, and worth doing well. And the same is true for you, and everyone.

It's funny to see it so simple now, remembering how mysterious and cosmic it once seemed. It's a little sad to look back and remember all the unnecessary struggle and torment I put myself through trying to figure it ALL out; there are many things I remember with the same feeling of compassion I get when I see someone else suffering. I feel usually quite distant from the person that was so absorbed in that quest. Sometimes the veil lifts, or perhaps it's a connection that momentarily pellucidates, and I re-experience an old moment. That is a precious pain, and I cherish it, but I'm glad it's not always accessible. In any case, it was all worth it for the certainty and stolidity I have now.

I couldn't have said it better myself.