8 Red Bulls = 1 heart attack

We keep hearing stories about how stimulant beverages are knocking people down. The latest one is rich with unintended hilarity. To be clear, I don't find it humorous when someone suffers a heart attack after drinking too many Red Bulls. I do, however, find it a little humorous when that someone turns around and blames Red Bull for not having a warning label on the can that says "You may experience a heart attack if you drink 11,000 of these in a row." OK, so it was only eight, not 11,000. And of course, there is a warning label, it's just not, uh, specific enough.

Now facing six weeks off work, he said warning labels on the products should be revamped to alert people that excessive consumption could lead to death. Labels currently warn against consuming more than two cans, or 1.5 bottles a day, without describing the consequences.

"They say [on energy drink labels] don't have more than this much," Mr Penbross said.

"But they don't say if you have too much, what will happen."

Gotcha. Also, we need to enhance stop signs, because although they tell us to stop, they don't tell us in excruciating detail all the things that will happen if we don't stop.

Of course, the dude here actually did have a small clue about what might happen:

[Dr. Malcolm Barlow, a cardiologist] said Mr Penbross had no other risk factors apart from smoking and had told him he previously experienced chest pain at times when his intake of the drinks was high.

Gee, you mean this fella didn't draw a connection between drinking a lot of Red Bull and, oh, say, irregular chest pains? At any rate, my proposed language for a new warning label is "Warning: drink too much Red Bull and your tiny, weak, ill-informed heart may burst like a balloon, driving you to your knees as you sink into a brief existential terror before your eyes close for the last time and your life is extinguished by our delicious stimulant beverage." I don't know, it might not be clear enough, but it's a start.