How Meth Coffee markets itself

Every now and then, Google Ads lead to some interesting places. Most recently, I stumbled across the web site for Meth Coffee (some kind of over-caffeinated bean that is "dusted" with yerba mate). The splash page for the site contains a masterful rant that, were I still a coffee drinker, would no doubt entice my simple brain:

METH COFFEE, a volatitherapeutic beverage, IS FORMULATED after chemical confetti and wakes zombies, fucks with perfectionists, straightens drunks, rattles teetotalers, revs vandals in search of impetus, brightens house chores AND CUTS BOREDOM LIKE A GODDAMN RAZOR. METH COFFEE may promote feelings of mania, zania, euthanasia, fantasia, and all manner of paranoia. DO NOT DRINK ALONE. METH COFFEE SHOULD NOT BE CONSUMED BY minors, bilious baby handlers, hazelnut-flavor whores, swill consumers, anger management seminar attendees, road ragers, or cup-cradling hand warmers unable to handle upward shifts in speed and mobility.

As if to hammer home the point re how much their coffee brings about paranoia (just like meth!), the rant abruptly takes a different tone:

Agent, I've been testing its effects. On day one, hair stands like pins...day two, head becomes sounding board for mental transmissions...day three, seeing motion in standstill. The spies have been watching me roast our coffee substance over open flame. I cannot see them, but I know they're there.

I transmit! I transmit!

While I was out selling they confiscated the formula, but they didn't find the hidden bags. I'm guarding residual specimens and have means to duplicate. Do you hear me? I've been talking to you! I hide underground and await your further transmissions.

I realize I shouldn't let myself get suckered by gonzo marketing techniques, but sometimes I just can't help it. They even made this delightful little video for your bemusement:

I suppose I should be less enthusiastic about glorifying this kind of product in an age where kids are dying from espresso overdoses... but c'mon, it's Meth Coffee.