This just came in as a YouTube video response to my "Good Old-Fashioned Ketamine" sketch from Tales From The Tripside, and it is so demented, I am breaking my self-imposed vacation to make sure you are all aware of it. Yes, it is the unholy intersection of ketamine and My Little Pony.

I came across this story a few months ago, and thought it had been in a dream until i rediscovered the magic bean (although I was sure I had read MDMA was now believed to be naturally occurring).

It seems at least 5 chemicals thoughts to be human inventions (including tasty amphetamine) were discovered in at least one species of bean tree.

What caught my curiosity immediately was the casual indifference shown to what is certainly an extraordinary discovery. Here, amongst some 40 or so alkaloids found in each of these two species, there were five amphetamines that had heretofore been thought to be inventions of man. Two of these are Schedule II drugs, Amphetamine and Methamphetamine. Two are Schedule I drugs, N,N-Dimethylamphetamine and 4-Methoxyamphetamine. And the fifth one is a major human metabolite of Amphetamine, 4-Hydroxyamphetamine. To my knowledge, none of these had ever before been reported as being natural plant alkaloids. This unprecedented discovery elicited only a passing line of comment in the earlier of the two papers.

Makes you wonder: what else might have been discovered that doesn't get published. Valium in the potatoes?

People often ask me if I have any words of advice for young people.
Well here are a few simple admonitions for young and old.
Never intefere in a boy-and-girl fight.
Beware of whores who say they don't want money.
The hell they don't.
What they mean is they want more money. Much more.
If you're doing business with a religious son-of-a-bitch,
Get it in writing.
His word isn't worth shit.
Not with the good lord telling him how to fuck you on the deal.

Avoid fuck-ups.
We all know the type.
Anything they have anything to do with,
No matter how good it sounds,
Turns into a disaster.
Do not offer sympathy to the mentally ill.
Tell them firmly:
I am not paid to listen to this drivel.
You are a terminal boob.

Now some of you may encounter the Devil's Bargain,
If you get that far.
Any old soul is worth saving,
At least to a priest,
But not every soul is worth buying.
So you can take the offer as a compliment.
He tries the easy ones first.
You know like money,
All the money there is.
But who wants to be the richest guy in some cemetary?
Money won't buy.
Not much left to spend it on, eh gramps?
Getting too old to cut the mustard.

Well time hits the hardest blows.
Especially below the belt.
How's a young body grab you?
Like three card monte, like pea under the shell,
Now you see it, now you don't.
Haven't you forgotten something, gramps?
In order to feel something,
You've got to be there.
You have to be eighteen.
You're not eighteen.
You are seventy-eight.
Old fool sold his soul for a strap-on.

Well they always try the easiest ones first.
How about an honorable bargain?
You always wanted to be a doctor,
Well now's your chance.
Why don't you become a great healer
And benefit humanity?
What's wrong with that?
Just about everything.
Just about everything.
There are no honorable bargains
Involving exchange
Of qualitative merchandise
Like souls
For quantitative merchandise
Like time and money.
So piss off Satan
And don't take me for dumber than I look.

An old junk pusher told me -
Watch whose money you pick up.

Now my biggest problem aside from liver failure has been solved! The need to rest my brain for 8 hours a night has long been a source of deep resentment for me. It's like I'm being robbed of precious time, much as my liver robs me of precious drugs - well, no more, and this time we can thank the boys down at DARPA.

Orexin A is a promising candidate to become a "sleep replacement" drug. For decades, stimulants have been used to combat sleepiness, but they can be addictive and often have side effects, including raising blood pressure or causing mood swings. The military, for example, administers amphetamines to pilots flying long distances, and has funded research into new drugs like the stimulant modafinil (.pdf) and orexin A in an effort to help troops stay awake with the fewest side effects.

The monkeys were deprived of sleep for 30 to 36 hours and then given either orexin A or a saline placebo before taking standard cognitive tests. The monkeys given orexin A in a nasal spray scored about the same as alert monkeys, while the saline-control group was severely impaired.

Now all I need is for them to develop is a way to reverse my lung damage and I'll be totally set...

For all of us that have spent far too many nights at shows eating handfuls of Vicodin whilst drinking vodka, science has finally come to the rescue.

A drug that reverses severe liver damage could be used to treat disease in heavy drinkers who find it impossible to give up alcohol. Scientists developed the drug after discovering a way to prevent the formation of excessive scar tissue caused by cirrhosis, hepatitis and other medical conditions.

To their surprise the drug not only slowed progression of the disease but also reversed damage to the organ.

The drug could have a profound impact on public health if it is proven to work in wider clinical trials. In Britain the rise in binge drinking has led to soaring rates of liver disease since the 1960s, with doctors warning cirrhosis is commonplace among men and women in their 20s and 30s.

Maybe now there'll be old punkers around.

Oh, and one last thing before I head off on my self-imposed Christmas vacation.... please to enjoy this unreleased musical treat that was intended for Saturday Night Live, but never quite made it to broadcast. It features Paul Simon and Steve Martin performing one of the most demented versions of "Silver Bells" you're likely to hear.

Steve Martin & Paul Simon - Silver Bells

I'm not a religious person, but every year around Christmas time, I get a great kick out of turning people on to this beautiful acappella version of an old (15th or 16th century) Spanish Christmas carol called "Riu Chiu." The lyrics for the song are a lot more hard core than the bubbly carols we're used to today; and the vocals on this arrangement, sung by the boys themselves, totally do the song justice. Please to enjoy: this particular version had the highest quality audio on Youtube, and also features a cute little Christmas "shout out" the boys did for the crew of their show.

File under "What to get Scotto for Christmas this year": it's a saffron vodka infusion:

Sub Rosa Saffron Infused Vodka is 45% abv. / 90 proof and has a lovely light straw gold color to it... Infused with eight spices including cumin, coriander, ginger, black peppercorn, cayenne, galangal, turmeric, and of course that most regal of spices, saffron."

Don't worry about whether someone else might get this for me too; I'm happy to accept multiple bottles.

I'm not sure if this tops the local bar here in Seattle that infuses vodka with roast beef in order to make Bloody Marys, but still.

Finally some real information on this whole crazy CIA drug smuggling plane thing. Damn fine reporting:

The Gulfstream II jet that crash landed in the Mexican Yucatan in late September carrying close to four tons of cocaine was part of an operation being carried out by a Department of Homeland Security agency, DEA sources have revealed to Narco News.

The operation, codenamed “Mayan Express,” is an ongoing effort spearheaded by U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE), the sources claim. The information surfaced during a high-level meeting at DEA headquarters in mid-December, DEA sources familiar with the meeting assert.

Those sources have requested anonymity out of fear they will be retaliated against by the government for revealing the information.

The operation also appears to be badly flawed, the sources say, because it is being carried out unilaterally, (Rambo-style), by ICE and without the knowledge of the Mexican government — at least it was up until the point of the coke-packed Gulfstream jet’s abrupt impact with the Earth.

And it just gets better from there.

I would like to take this time to let you all know something that is near and dear to my heart. Over this year I have blogged a bunch of drug news, and through it all I have finally come to understand the true meaning of Christmas. To that end, I will be spending the next week consuming mass quantities of trivial things nobody needs, and enjoying the shit out of it. But to let you know that I'll be thinking of you during this special season of excess, please enjoy this novelty holiday print by Tom Herzberg, courtesy of The Art Institute of Chicago.

And peace on Earth, or something like it.